Question:

craze for the light......or fear the darkness....?

chemical insanity... or stark truth...?

u decide......

3rd Contact........ wicked....

captains log stardate 8243....

this is so not me.... More than 1 blog in a span of a month... thts so unlike me... maybe it isnt... why is my shadow moving wen i'm still... am i halucinating or m i over-reacting...

this Project DOES NOT end... i'm stuck in this dimension where the time streams faster while the project and work at hand just keep gettin bigger... its this wicked place b/w time and space where the dimensions collide and produce this aurora-like patterns whicc make this existence a bliss yet haunting... i'm being haunted by the ghosts of my past... the reason 2 and 2 dont make 4.. the tool ticking forever in my head... and i stand there alone under the floodlit twin-moon night sky... theres forever night..

its like a toxic virtual reality giving me the sense of my presence there as well as my absence... i'm being pulled by the coils of this existence, of this pseudo-plane...

the tools are ticking yet again.. my mind is racing... i move on...

i look at my hands and stare at the incessantlyy dark firmament, i sigh... but i move on...

i look at the screen staring blankly at me calling me in the most disgusting way possible.. asking me to touch the keys and blast off into known territory... and i move on...

i do not want to leave......... i like this place its scaring the shit out of me, i'm attracted by the challenges it poses, i feel the drive to kill... overkill...

i'm outta here...

signing out...
now

why does blue mean raspberry flavoured?

a short essay i had written for an apti...


its like neother thing thts been characterised by nething significant as this...
its like every other piece of crap tht is being fed into our brains by godless
monsters who dont believe in the word self-enlightenment... we r programmed with
such perceptions throughout our lives unknowingly... why is it tht when u talk of a bra,
u picture it black or white but not purple... why is it tht wen u look at the moon u "supposedly
see a rabit"...its up2 us to decide wats right and wats not... wats blue and wats
raspberry-flavoured... OR maybe because raspberries are blue... eitherways U DECIDE...

Requiem for a Dream : Chemical Tsunami

This account is a staggered interpretation of an acquaintance’s experience with drugs at an early stage in his lives. As of now he is among us, but barely. He knows he cannot be a productive member of the society, but then it was his choice. I do not mean to preach through this article. Just thought a little awareness would work in RAIT. The words are solely mine and so is the responsibility.

Dreams have a weird way of turning out. For better or for worse. So does life. But we can lead our lives, as we want to, not the dreams. That’s what separates reality from dreams, free will. In the real world when the world turns its back on you, it’s easy for you to turn your back on the world, or in some cases confine yourself in the agony and finally fade out as a living corpse. When the power to control the world overcomes your docile existence you know you’re in a trance. This is a requiem for my dream.

Got into a university of my choice, in the top ten of the list n all. First day goes by in a flash with every senior wanting a piece of me. Am explained the rules that govern my life now. Yeah, right, like I give a fuck. Who the fuck do those bastards think they are, dictating terms? I nod in silence.

Days went by. So have the memories now. Was an odd day of some week. That’s when I met Q. Sat next to him during some goddamn lecture and hit it off instantly. He got ‘round pretty well, knew people in high places with low dealings. Money was never an issue. Amazingly. We frequented quite a few nightclubs during those first few weeks. Then one day while chilling at his place, catching some tasteless porno flick, he took out a Rs 10 note and sucked in the colourless substance which had been placed aside neatly on the rather unkempt little coffee table; nasally. Didn’t think of it much then, but I knew what it was. Vices weren’t my thing. Couldn’t digest liquor, fags sucked, and even my nails tasted bad. He offered it to me. Never once did the word “NO” stare at my face. Rolled the shopping list mom had stashed in my hand before leaving and took a whiff. TING! That’s how fast it gets you. I wasn’t me anymore. The substance reached my brain faster then a thought, any thought, specifically the afterthought, drowning it in the murky depths of my reasoning skills which had gone for a vacation as instantly. Total High!

Staring up at a 15-feet high tsunami, apparent erasure from existence, your life doesn’t flash by like it does when you’re shot. In that moment you get this intense rush; adrenaline right up your head, and feel euphoric, ecstatic…orgasmic. You’re not awaiting death but at the same time you don’t ever want this moment to pass. This is how I’d describe a high. The world doesn’t seem such a bad place after all. Friends, relatives, foes, acquaintances, and even the little bastard who reminds you of your most embarrassed moment when you least need to be seem to be worthwhile. And your enemies, nemeses, professors; those castrating bastards and bitches from hell, well murder is always an option. That’s how your mind justifies decision. The TING follows another TING and the night changes to day. Darkness to light. But once you’ve stepped in there’s no light. You can run, but you cannot hide… for long.

I remember Sania in the library flashing me one of her trademark everyday smiles. I thought so much of it then. Got to know her, courtesy calls, carrying her stuff, walkin her to the stop, the usual. Never let her know how I felt bout her for a long time and when I finally did, I couldn’t gather all the shattered pieces on the floor. Shattered pieces of that part of the brain that defines love, affection, infatuation. The heart is too overrated an organ, a mound of muscle pumping blood but not love. I don’t think I need to say this, but rejection sucks royal cock. Life’s just not worth living anymore. Another reason to get stoned. TING. There goes gravity, head reels, weightlessness and she returns love, in the trance that is. No more heartache, failure just an easy way out. Way too easy.

Cleared my mid-terms, thanks to a whiff or two, fell in with a great crowd and partied 24X7, high. My academics never suffered on account of my addiction. Ironically my addiction complemented it… with a little “speed”.

I remember stealing my first hundred from mom. Felt it was wrong but did it newayz. I remember my first stick-up using a kitchen knife at K-Mart. Felt it was wrong but did it newayz. The proprietor got smart and Q used the blade on him. Blood streamed on my shirt leaving it perpetually dyed red. FUCK!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!! My vision was screwed; there was a pool of deep red ink on the floor as the artery drained itself on me. At that particular moment I had bled more. The only difference being I had no mortal wounds. We ran out of the backdoor into an alley where I puked my guts out on my partner’s sneakers.

When you’re young and reckless, you want the world to go by like a blur. You crave for sheer pace in life. The tenacity of this desire takes you places. Places you didn’t know existed without and within. Places you didn’t imagine existed, in your head.

The doping scene was pretty rad then, didn’t seem all that bad to me either. People were experimenting different modes of intake. There was the traditional snorting that was an opposite rendition of breathing but far from being that natural. Tablets were available, conventional, yet an unethical way of intake. Unethical; well everyone in this world has the right to judge that, no matter how immoral. But no one has the right to judge morals. Paradox. Smoking, vapour inhalation or just direct consumption has been done for ages now. Intravenous injections have a more warming, wholesome effect when administered directly. Its like a full-bodied high and it looks cool too, know what I mean. But what really hit the spot were the LSD strips. Placing these strips on the tongue actually took you places, far off but at the same time real close.

I was in and I was alive. For the first time in my life I could fly…… The mind exudes even physics. Space has no relation with time. Time has no relation with life. It doesn’t even stream then.

An anti-narcotics team had geared up in the campus, for a surprise inspection. Everybody and anybody who had doped prior to this onslaught peed in their pants. What followed was a contemporary version of an exodus. Ran home, much to the surprise of my mom. I was shocked to see her shocked to see me. I hadn’t seen myself in quite some time. My body was going through some serious changes. I had doubled, tripled, even quadrupled my dosage in the last three months and it was showing. All I said was, “ Whatsssssssss sssup mom. Why the sssullen look.” My speech had become slurred with all the nitrazepam I was swallowing. I was weak, my body wasted. I wanted out. Real bad.

Mom got into a trauma. Questioned me on my state. I dismissed it as an after effect of exams. She didn’t realize the severity of the situation. I wish she had. I wish she had slapped me the day she found I’d stolen money.

I returned to college within three days. Q was in police custody now. They had found LSD on him while trying to jump the fence. He was going into rehab now. He was tested HIV +ve. I was in my room staring out the window. That’s when the throbbing started.

When in a trance the world revolves around you and you are transported to the highest place in the world. I was in a trance, but it was nothing like those weed-induced ones. This was a different trance; calm, yet horrible. All of a sudden it was day, my eyes failed to adjust to the white light that reflected of the walls. There was a continuous beeping sound in the background. I was moving, floating to be precise but in a straight line. Someone was holding my hand. I could hear a heavy base voice, but it wasn’t making sense. I still couldn’t adjust to the light reflecting off the white walls. WHITE WALLS!!! HOLY SHIT!!! There were about half a dozen masked demigods following the entourage through this seemingly unending corridor. The person who was holding my hand was my mother. She must’ve been paler than I was, or so I thought.

The doctors peered over me. A deep disgusting nausea engulfed me. I couldn’t contain it. I had to let go. That is when a dark red substance oozed out of my mouth and the beeps sped faster. That is the last I remember. I was in a coma.

When I finally opened my eyes, it was a week later. I heard the beeps again and a rush of footsteps. I wouldn’t be discharged anytime soon. I had a neural condition that was complicating my recuperation. The damage was done.

It is supposedly a lifelong condition. I have a 30% higher risk of contracting diseases, heart ailments. Excessive intake of drugs has hampered the nervous processes. I do not react predictably to certain medicine. I no longer have complete control of my movements. I am a weaker man now. Though these ailments don’t seem that severe, the psychological damage is irreparable. This is what it is to actually get wasted.

We are born into this world with the right to choose. We make choices every moment of everyday of our lives. These choices reflect in us as we move on and decide our path. Even if we fall flat on our face we have to stand. Life is a road; there are no shortcuts, no easy ways out. The obstructions we face are of our own doing, but it shouldn’t be any other way. That’s what makes the journey entertaining. This is what we were meant to be. Nobody has the right to make a path for anybody else. We tread the path we make until we slam into the wall of ultimate truth…. Death; cold, evanescent.

Second Entry

captains log stardate 7963... slight malfunction in ships log has sent me forward by 1 yr 2 months...

long time since i've written nething... approx 14 months... but hey i'm true to my words... i had predicted i would forget bout it... like i'm goin to again... hehe...

busy wit loadsa things...

need a break again...

water...

oxygen...

need air...

i'm suffocating...

cya soon...